Anger management in central London

The support you need to let go of your anger

Constructive and compassionate therapy to understand, control and reduce your anger, in Kings Cross, Oxford Circus or online.

Authors such as Alia-Klein et al (2020) and DiGuiseppe and Tafrate (2006) have described various models of anger that break it down into different stages. They differ depending on their focus (neuroscience, behaviouralism, etc), but many follow this broad pattern:

  • triggering event - something happens to the person

  • cognition - the person has negative thoughts about the triggering event, often perceiving a threat or a barrier to getting what they want

  • emotions - the person may feel angry straight away or they may start off feeling irritated, annoyed, hurt, guilty or afraid, for example, which can develop into anger

  • physiological responses - when a person feels angry, they experience physiological changes, such as a racing heart, sweating or a tight chest

  • behaviour - the person acts in response to their anger, which may include aggression

  • relief - expressing their anger through this gives the person an immediate sense of relief

  • regret - once the person has calmed down, they may feel regret for things they said or did in the heat of their anger

  • repair- they may then choose to apologise and try to repair the damage.

Anger is a normal, human emotion. All of us experience it, though some are more in touch with it than others. Anger can feel really unpleasant and, for some people, scary.

What is anger?

What are the stages of anger?

If you are someone who gets angry more than most people, there can be a number of reasons for this:

  • genetic predisposition - studies such as Mick et al (2014) have suggested some genetic markers are linked to a tendency to become angry more easily

  • a frustrating life - you may have a lot of things to feel angry about in your life

  • cognitive distortions - you may perceive situations more negatively than other people

  • emotional avoidance - you may use anger as a way to avoid feeling the more vulnerable emotions that often lie beneath anger.

Your genes can’t be changed, but they only create a tendency, they don’t mean you’re destined to be angry. The other causes can be addressed in therapy.

Why do I get so angry?

What emotion is behind anger?

Anger is sometimes referred to as a secondary emotion because it often arises as a way of protecting us from a painful primary emotion. For example, if your partner says something that hurts your feelings, rather than experiencing the pain of that, you may pivot to anger and respond by saying something hurtful back.

There isn’t just one emotion that underlies anger - it can be any of many possible emotions including:

  • hurt

  • fear

  • anxiety

  • grief

  • stress

  • disgust.

Why do I get so angry over little things?

It’s not the little things themselves that anger you; it’s what they represent. For example:

  • if your partner leaves the kitchen in a mess, you may interpret that as them thinking you should clean up after them and feel angry about the inequity of that

  • if a friend is late meeting up with you, you may feel angry about them not valuing your time and, by extension, not valuing you

  • if your dad teases you in front of the rest of the family for the hundredth time, you may think it’s never going to stop and feel angry about your powerlessness to put an end to it.

In therapy, I help my clients to uncover these underlying meanings and understand where they come from. That reduces the power that the underlying meanings have over my clients, thus taking some of the heat out of their anger.

Anger alone isn’t a mental illness - indeed, feeling angry is a normal, healthy response to some situations. However, DSM-V (the diagnostic manual for mental health) lists aspects of anger such as disproportionate outbursts and frequent irritability as symptoms of mental health conditions including:

  • intermittent explosive disorder

  • oppositional defiant disorder

  • disruptive mood dysregulation disorder

  • borderline personality disorder

  • bipolar disorder.

Is anger a mental illness?

As anger isn’t a disease, our work is not to cure it. It is inevitable and healthy to feel angry sometimes, and we wouldn’t want that to be repressed. What we can do is:

  • reduce disproportionate anger by changing cognitive distortions

  • explore ways to change any circumstances and relationships that anger you

  • develop new, less problematic ways to behave when you are feeling angry

  • work on strategies to acknowledge and repair any damage caused by your angry behaviour.

Can anger be cured?

How do I calm down when I’m angry?

People often ask how to calm down, how to stop being so angry all the time or how to stop shouting when angry. They’re not straightforward questions to answer, because the strategies and techniques need to be tailored to you.

Together we’ll work on recognising the signals that your anger is building up and identifying strategies to de-escalate the situation before it reaches boiling point.

We’ll also think about techniques to take the heat down if things are already at boiling point, such as a carefully structured time out process.

We will look at self control and how you can exercise it more widely. There are probably situations in which you wouldn’t lose your temper - in a client meeting, with your in-laws or at a funeral perhaps? That shows that you have self control, but that at some level you choose not to exercise in all situations. So we work on broadening the range of situations in which you exercise self control.

What is anger management?

Anger management is the process of understanding, and learning to control, your anger. It may be delivered as classes, group sessions or individual therapy. I offer the individual therapy variety, which provides more space for getting to the bottom of your specific issues. I also work with couples to manage problematic anger in their relationships.

In practice, I don’t separate anger management from therapy, so if you want to address other issues that’s absolutely fine. In other words, anger management can be the complete focus of your therapy or just one component of it, as you prefer.

How does anger management therapy work?

We have weekly therapy sessions, each 50 minutes long, either in person in Kings Cross or Oxford Circus, or online. In those sessions, we discuss your anger triggers, cognitive distortions and problematic angry behaviours. I may give you exercises to do between sessions, but only if you want them.

As the therapy progresses, you can expect to:

  • understand your anger better

  • feel angry less often and less intensely

  • develop better control over your behaviour when you are angry.

Why choose me?

 

I’m a knowledgeable and skilled therapist, with over 15 years’ experience seeing many (less angry now!) clients. My approach is friendly, understanding and warm, but with a backbone! My therapy practices are conveniently located near Oxford Circus and Kings Cross, and I also offer online therapy.

I offer free introductory chats and half price initial consultations so that you don’t have to spend a lot to get a feel for whether I’m a good fit for you. Most clients who come for an initial consultation with me choose to continue with me, but if I’m not the right fit for you I will be happy to refer you to a colleague. I manage a large team of therapists so if I’m not the perfect fit for you there’s a good chance I know someone who is!

Next steps

If that sounds good to you, it’s easy to book an initial consultation or a free introductory phone call here…

If you want to find out more first, feel free to contact me and I’ll get back to you promptly.