Central London divorce counselling

What is divorce counselling?

Divorce counselling is, put simply, any counselling or psychotherapy where the main focus is divorce or separation. It covers dissolution of civil partnerships, judicial separations and the ending of relationships that haven’t been formalised in law, as well as divorce.

It is for couples or individuals, and you may be at any stage in the journey, including:

• starting to think about the possibility that you might divorce or separate and wondering if the relationship can be saved with the support of a therapist

• seriously considering separation and wanting to explore whether that’s the right option for you

• decided on divorce or separation and wanting help to to make the process as amicable as possible to minimise the damage to yourselves and your families

• going through divorce or already separated and wanting support with the emotional toll it takes

• already divorced or separated and wanting help with parenting

• already divorced or separated and wondering whether the relationship might be worth rekindling.

Divorce counsellors do not provide legal advice or mediation, but a good divorce counsellor knows their way around the process of divorce, what’s involved in mediation, when it makes sense to involve solicitors, and so on.

Can counselling help with divorce?

Yes, absolutely. Separation counselling helps in many ways, including:

• improving communication between you and your partner

• helping you to understand the problems in your relationship and whether it is possible to solve them

• thinking through what is best for any children you have and prioritising their welfare

• providing a space for conflicts to be resolved safely without escalating

• helping you to process emotions and offering compassion

• giving you the opportunity to be heard by your partner (if you attend together)

• creating a collaborative space for agreeing childcare arrangements

• providing an objective forum for negotiating the separation of your property and finances

• establishing ground rules for interacting with each other with respect following the separation.

Research (including Darbani and Parsakia (2022) and Emerson et al (2020)) has shown the benefits of divorce counselling to include:

• lower levels of depression after the divorce

• greater clarity and honesty during the divorce

• improved co-operation on parenting after the divorce.

What is the best way to approach divorce?

If you Google “What is the best way to approach divorce?” you will be offered a page full of legal practices. Too often, the human side of divorce gets lost beneath legal process, a competitive approach and mounting fees.

There are good reasons to engage a solicitor in some cases (for example where there is domestic abuse) or for particular stages (for example if there are complicated financial arrangements to be separated). However, solicitors usually represent one partner only and what ensues is a competition with each solicitor trying to get the best outcome for their client. It isn’t a collaborative approach; it makes the two of you adversaries and that feeling can last for years.

The more that you can agree between the two of you, without involving lawyers, the better. This collaborative approach has many advantages, including:

• it’s cheaper

• it’s more creative - you can find solutions that work for both of you

• it encourages a more positive, respectful relationship between the two of you, which is so important if you are going to be coparenting after the divorce.

In 2022, the law in England and Wales changed so that couples no longer have to justify a divorce. Previously on applying for a divorce, one partner had to blame the other by citing a fault such as adultery or state that they had been separated for at least two years. Now, not only is the concept of fault removed, couples can apply for divorce jointly.

This was an important step; partners no longer need to be pitted against each other in divorce. However, the divorce itself doesn’t stipulate how your property and finances will be shared, nor how childcare will be organised. These are separate processes that you and your partner will need to engage in, and these processes can become very fraught.

Invariably there is resentment, hurt, grief, anger and more involved in separating. It can be incredibly challenging to negotiate calmly with someone when it feels like your life is falling apart because of them. Working through some of these emotions with a divorce counsellor really helps. It clears the way for a more compassionate and respectful discussion about how you will disentangle your lives and create a more positive relationship going forward.

What does a divorce counsellor do?

Whether you come for divorce counselling on your own or as a couple, I will start by listening to your story. I want to understand what was good between the two of you as well as what’s gone wrong.

After that, what I do depends on what you’re looking for. If you haven’t yet settled on a separation, we might discuss ways to improve the relationship. We could spend some time resolving any current resentments and conflicts. We might explore what separating would really look like, so that you can make a better informed decision. Respectful communication is usually a topic we work on quite a bit. If you decide to separate, we could think through when and how best to tell your children, wider family or friends. We might think about practical issues, such as who is going to move out and when. We may discuss how best to separate your finances and property, or what the most advantageous childcare arrangements will be going forward. Or you might already be separated and want to explore how to get along better or possibly how to get back together, in which case we’ll do that!

The legal process of divorce takes months, and even if you’re not going through a legal process, there’s a lot involved in untangling two lives. We’re dealing with things that are really important to you: your relationship, your children, your home, your financial security. So there’s usually a lot to discuss and a lot of emotion surrounding it. I take your lead and we focus on whatever is most important to you at that point in time.

What kind of therapist is best for divorce?

As with most issues that people bring to therapy, the theoretical approach (psychodynamic, cognitive behavioural, humanistic, etc) doesn’t make much difference (Hubble and Miller, 2022). What matters more is that you feel comfortable opening up to your therapist.

If you are coming as a couple, you want to find someone with specific training in couples therapy. I also recommend choosing a psychotherapist who has studied divorce and relationship dissolution specifically. Aside from the understanding of the legal process that this provides, the level of conflict can be high in separating couples - you want someone who isn’t thrown by that and is skilled at calming discussions down when tempers run high.

If there is any domestic abuse involved, only work with someone who has specific training in this. There is a risk of abuse escalating if the therapist isn’t trained in how to work safely with it.

What are the emotional stages of divorce?

I’ve never found it particularly helpful to label the emotional stages of divorce, as I wouldn’t want anyone to think they were wrong for not feeling what the model says they were supposed to be feeling. At any given time, you’re likely to be feeling a whole mixture of things - anger, sadness, confusion, resentment, relief, hope, etc - and models suggest a much neater, simpler process that often doesn’t resonate with the reality of a messy divorce.

That said, you are likely to move from a position of non-acceptance (perhaps insisting the two of you can work things out) to acceptance over many months or years. Along the way, you will likely feel shock, fear, anger, shame and sadness. You may go through a stage of denial or trying to negotiate your way out of the separation.

I believe the most important thing to remember when thinking about the emotional stages of separation is that, at any given time, you and your partner will likely be at different stages. Whoever makes the decision to separate is likely to be several months ahead of their partner in the process. If you’re the one that made the decision to separate, while it’s totally understandable that you might feel impatient to move forward with your life once you’ve made the decision to separate, your partner needs time to catch up with you. Pushing forward with legal or practical arrangements before your partner has had sufficient time to come to terms with your decision is unlikely to go well. Having patience and compassion for where your partner is at in the process is such a valuable contribution to an amicable separation.

Does counselling help after a break-up?

Yes. Research such as Cai (2025) has shown counselling or psychotherapy to help reduce the distress of a relationship break-up. Depending on the circumstances, after a break-up you may want to come to counselling on your own or with your ex-partner.

For individuals, counselling after a break-up provides:

• emotional support

• compassion (which encourages self-compassion)

• insight into what went wrong in the relationship (and how to stop it happening again)

• space to explore how you want your life to be now that you are single

• strategies for taking care of yourself and recovering

• an opportunity for personal growth.

For couples, counselling after a break-up may focus on:

• improving their relationship as coparents

• making sense of what went wrong in their relationship

• developing respectful communication skills

• resolving conflicts without escalation

• exploring whether they want to rekindle their relationship.

How can I survive a break-up?

It’s an unfortunate fact of life that almost all of us will experience a relationship break-up at some point, and most of us will have to go through several. They can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting. They can also be opportunities for positive change and personal growth.

When you are recovering from a break-up:

• Give it plenty of time - it’s going to take time anyway, so it will be less of a battle if you go easy on yourself and avoid pushing yourself to get through it faster.

• Look after your physical health - even if you can’t manage much, sticking to a routine of a little daily exercise and as much sleep as you can manage will help keep you steady.

• Allow yourself to feel the feelings - if you push them away, they’ll just resurface later.

• Give yourself a break from it - arrange to see friends or family and dedicate time to doing things you find fun, to remind you that life can still be enjoyable.

• Expect a bit of a rollercoaster - you will have good days and bad days so don’t get annoyed with yourself if you felt fine yesterday and today you’re in a mess on the floor.

• Get excited about the future - when you are ready, allow yourself to feel hope and excitement about the new possibilities for your life.

Above all, don’t be afraid to ask for support - whether from friends, family or a professional like me, that’s what we’re here for.

Where do you offer divorce counselling?

I provide divorce counselling at my two lovely therapy rooms in Central London:

• My Kings Cross room is two minutes’ walk from the station and also within easy walking distance of St Pancras, Euston and Russell Square. It is convenient for Clerkenwell, Bloomsbury, Pentonville, Islington, Barnsbury, Camden and Angel.

• My Oxford Circus room is in a quiet street five minutes’ walk from Oxford Circus itself and also within easy walking distance of Goodge Street, Warren Street and Holborn. It is convenient for Fitzrovia, Soho, Regent Street, Mayfair, Bloomsbury, Harley Street and Marylebone.

Can divorce counselling be online?

Yes, definitely. I offer secure online sessions as well as in-person sessions in Kings Cross and Oxford Circus. Some clients prefer to have all of their sessions online, which others prefer some in person and some online.

How much does divorce counselling cost?

For initial consultations, I charge £50 for individuals in person (£45 online). For couples, I charge £90 for couples in person (£80 online).

Fees for ongoing individual sessions are agreed at your initial consultation, starting at £100 and based on your ability to pay. Fees for ongoing couples sessions are £180 in person and £160 online.