Working with domestic abuse
I work with both individuals and couples who are experiencing domestic violence or abuse (DVA). In both cases, my priority is keeping my clients safe.
Seeking counselling when you are experiencing DVA can be a difficult step to take. You may feel ashamed that your relationship has reached this point, but please try not to let that stop you - there is no judgement from me.
You may be uncertain whether what’s happening in your relationship counts as abuse. DVA takes many forms and there doesn’t need to be physical violence present for it to be considered abuse. Examples include:
punching, slapping, choking, spitting, restraining
throwing or destroying objects
harming or threatening to harm other people or pets
preventing a person from going out or monitoring their whereabouts
restricting a person’s access to their friends, family or services such as the GP
controlling a person’s finances
pressuring a person into sexual activity they don’t want.
Individual therapy can help you to understand whether what you are experiencing is DVA, and to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship. If you decide to leave, we will develop a plan for you to do that as safely as possible. If you decide to stay in the relationship, I won’t judge you for that. I know how complex abusive relationships are and how frustrating it is to have people tell you that you should just leave, without understanding how difficult that is, both practically and emotionally. We can then think together about how best to keep you safe and improve the relationship.
Where DVA is present, couples therapy is only advised if both partners are committed to changing their relationship and if the partner(s) who has been abusive recognises it as abuse. If you’re uncertain whether couples therapy is suitable for you and your partner, I am happy to meet you for an initial consultation. If couples therapy isn’t advisable for you at that point, I will signpost you to appropriate services. Sometimes some individual work is recommended first, then we can embark on couples therapy once that has been completed.
If you are looking for couples counselling and there is any form of violence or abuse in your relationship, please only consider therapists who are trained to work with DVA. Therapy sessions can bring up difficult feelings and there is a risk of abusive behaviour increasing after a challenging session if the therapist doesn’t know how to manage the process safely.
I am trained in how to keep relationship counselling safe for couples where DVA is present. We develop safety plans that you can both use to nip any potential escalations in the bud. We re-establish boundaries in the relationship so that neither partner exerts control over the other. Only once both partners are committed to, and practising, these safer behaviours do we go into the more challenging emotional areas.
Abusive relationships can change. People who have been abusive in the past can learn different ways of relating so that they don’t need to resort to coercion, violence or control. It isn’t easy though, and expert help really does make a difference.
If you would like to take the next step, please book an initial consultation or contact me.