Supporting the sandwich generation
If you’re a member of the sandwich generation, you will know that life isn’t easy when you’re caring for both children and parents, often at the same time as holding down a job. Exhaustion, guilt, family conflicts, relationship problems and burnout are all too common. Read on to find out how therapy can support you.
All too often, people in the sandwich generation are reluctant to reach out for help because they think the demands on their time and attention are just part of normal life and they should be able to deal with them. But it’s really hard, it takes its toll and you deserve support.
Why do they call it the sandwich generation?
The sandwich generation refers to adults who are looking after (or financially supporting) both their children and their ageing parents. They are sandwiched between two generations depending on them for support. Although the term has been around since it was coined by Dorothy Miller and Elaine Brody in the early 1980s, as populations are living longer and having children later, more and more people are being drawn into the sandwich generation.
What is being in the sandwich generation like?
Being in the sandwich generation is typically characterised by:
needing to spend time with both your parents and your children, leaving little time for yourself and your other relationships
financial responsibility for other generations at a point when your caring duties mean you might have to scale back your hours at work
taking over admin, organising medical treatments, etc for parents, requiring even more of your time
getting little acknowledgement or financial reward for all that you are giving
having to negotiate how the burdens are shared with other family members, which can lead to conflict
health issues arising from burnout, lack of sleep and exercise, prioritising others’ needs over one’s own health, the physical strain of pushing a wheelchair or manoeuvring your parent to dress them, etc.
Though women are often seen as the main caregivers in the sandwich generation, increasingly men are affected too.
How does belonging to the sandwich generation affect mental wellbeing?
The most common thing I hear from clients in the sandwich generation is that they feel guilty for letting everyone down. When they are with their parents, they feel guilty that they’re neglecting their children. When they are with their children, they feel guilty that they are checking their work emails. When they are working, they feel guilty that they’re not focused because they’re worrying about their parents. That’s a lot of guilt.
Their self-confidence often takes a knock because they are so stretched they can’t do anything as well as they would like. Any previous pride they previously had in how they parented, how competent they were at their job or the positive relationship they had with their parents can go out of the window, and that can really impact a person’s identity and self-worth.
Family conflicts are a common source of stress in the sandwich generation. When parents need looking after, it’s rare for that to be evenly split between their children. Maybe one’s moved away; maybe one has a busier job; maybe one has a new baby. All these factors can mean that the burden falls more heavily on some than others, and that is likely to lead to resentment. There may also be conflicts between parents and children - disagreements over what care is required and how it should be carried out, for example. The caregiver can feel trapped - if they step away, everything will fall apart because there is no-one else there to step in. Conflicts within families can feel intense and very painful. It’s an area I specialise in and you can read more in Therapy for family issues.
When you are in the sandwich generation, romantic relationships and friendships can suffer. It can feel like you have no choice but to prioritise your children and ageing parents who need your care over your partner and friends who can look after themselves. But of course, intimate relationships and friendships do need attention to remain healthy, and deprioritising them for a long time can lead to those relationships breaking down. That can create further stress and take away valuable sources of support, fun and relaxation for the caregiver.
One of the biggest effects on mental wellbeing for those in the sandwich generation is burnout. It’s the cumulative effect of not looking after yourself for a long time. Caregivers prioritise other people’s needs over their own, and it’s exhausting. Eventually, giving and giving without taking time to recharge one’s batteries takes its toll. It can cause health problems such as a lowered immune system, sleep issues and mental health concerns. And because caregivers tend to neglect their own health, the early warning signs often go ignored.
How can therapy help the sandwich generation?
Therapy offers something truly valuable to those in the sandwich generation: a place where they can be supported instead of doing the supporting.
Everybody’s experience is different and what we talk about is up to you, but my clients in the sandwich generation often find it really helpful to express difficult feelings about their families. They may feel angry about the position they’ve been put in; they may have mixed feelings about the prospect of their parent dying and feel guilty because a part of them looks forward to that; they may envy siblings who are avoiding the burden of care; they may feel exasperated with their children or parents for asking so much of them. These can be uncomfortable feelings to own, but they are totally understandable and I help my clients to feel less shame about them.
We can then think together about whether it might be helpful to make changes in the family dynamic. Might it help to let others in the family know how the caregiver is feeling, for example? Might the envied sibling be asked to contribute more? Might the caregiver’s partner be enlisted to listen to them more, to provide emotional support or to take some of the parenting responsibilities off them?
Another way in which therapy often helps clients in the sandwich generation is that together we can formulate strategies for managing the competing demands on them. That could involve setting boundaries and practising the difficult art of keeping them when faced with needy family members. It could involve carving out pockets of time in which to relax, recharge their batteries and have fun. It could involve asking for help. One of the hardest things that people in the sandwich generation face is the question of at what point they can say, “I can’t do this anymore,” and enlist professional carers to take over.
A key part of therapy for clients in the sandwich generation is learning to have realistic expectations of oneself. My clients often think they should be able to do it all and worry that they are a failure if they can’t. Getting perspective on what you can actually fit into your life without risking burnout is really important. We all need balance in our lives, including time on our own, time to socialise and time to relax. My clients learn that it’s okay to make time for those things; in other words, they develop self-compassion and stop deprioritising themselves.
Above all, if you are in the sandwich generation, therapy can provide you with a space that’s all about you. It’s a rare and precious place where your thoughts and feelings don’t have to take second place to someone else’s. Starting therapy is a way to stop deprioritising yourself and protect yourself from burnout.
If that would be helpful for you, book an initial consultation or an introductory call now.