The ABCD of effective communication for couples
For every couple that comes to me for relationship counselling, communication is an issue. It’s not surprising - relationships inevitably involve differences of opinion and discussing them without upsetting each other can be really difficult.
We aren’t taught in school how to communicate effectively in intimate relationships. There are no lessons in how to make our partner feel heard and appreciated, or how to complain about our partner’s behaviour in a way that won’t escalate. Instead, we pick things up along the way, maybe copying our parents, maybe trying very hard not to communicate how our parents communicated!
So don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t know how to improve communication in your relationship. You’re far from alone! There are some basic principles of communication that are really valuable for couples to follow. Here is my ABCD:
A ask open questions
It’s all too easy for a couple to go through a working day without talking about anything much beyond the vet appointment that needs booking, the online shopping order or the TV show they’re watching. But people want to feel seen and understood by their partner. So, if you don’t want your partner to feel lonely in the relationship, it’s important to show interest in their thoughts and feelings.
The best way to do this is to ask them open questions. Open questions are those that invite lots of possible answers, not just “yes” or “no” and usually not just a single word. They encourage deeper discussion.
Many people know what open questions are, but don’t instinctively ask them. It takes conscious effort and practice to get into the habit.
Some people find it hard to come up with open questions on the spot. In these instances, I give my clients a list of open questions that they can draw from. The idea isn’t that they use the list as a script but that, if they can choose and remember a few fall-back questions from the list, they will feel less pressured in the moment. Getting over that first hurdle enables them to then relax a little and get into the practice.
Examples of open-ended questions that are helpful in relationships are:
How are you feeling?
How was your day?
What’s on your mind?
How do you feel about xxx?
What’s brought you to that conclusion?
What support would you like from me?
What was it like for you to do xxx?
B be nice
Inside every adult is a vulnerable child. We all have insecurities that are easily triggered, particularly in intimate relationships. Most of us take criticisms to heart more than compliments, and many struggle to believe that their partner truly loves them.
While most people are aware of their own insecurities, they tend to forget that their partner is also vulnerable. It can be particularly hard to see your partner as vulnerable when you are feeling hurt by them. But it’s important to remember that your words can really hurt them, and that isn’t going to help your relationship
I tell couples to be 50% nicer to each other than they think they need to be. This counteracts the fact that your partner, like all humans, will likely hear what you say as more negative than you intend it.
C clarify your complaints
When you want to let your partner know that you’re unhappy about something they did, be really specific about what’s bothering you. These are the conversations that often escalate, so make it as hard as possible for your partner to misinterpret what you’re saying.
It helps to break your complaint down into three parts:
Name the thing that your partner did or said that triggered your upset.
Tell your partner what thoughts went through your head when they did or said that.
Tell them the emotions you felt when you thought those thoughts.
We tend to say things like, “It made me so angry when you did xxx,” or “When you said xxx, it really hurt me.” What we’re doing there is missing out the second part, and the second part is crucial.
It’s your thoughts about what your partner did or said that create the emotions in you. If you don’t spell out your thoughts, it’s much harder for your partner to understand how their behaviour impacted you. It also means you’re not taking responsibility for your par (your interpretation of your partner’s behaviour). Improving the relationship involves challenging (and potentially changing) your interpretations, not just expecting your partner to change their behaviour.
Here are some examples of clear complaints separated into their component parts:
When you left your clothes on the bedroom floor
I thought that you expected me to tidy up after you
And that made me feel angry.
When you said you’d like to go for a walk on your own
I thought you didn’t want me around and that you’re not enjoying my company much
And that made me feel sad and anxious.
D drop your defences
When we’re having a difference of opinion, we tend to focus on getting our side of the argument across. This is often at the expense of really hearing where the other person is coming from. The result is an escalation where neither party feels heard or understood.
To prevent arguments from escalating, you need to drop your defences. What I mean by that is to focus less on defending your position and more on hearing and understanding your partner.
Your urge may be to explain exactly why you did what you did or why your partner is wrong about something, but first just stop. Reflect back to them what they’ve said to you, so that they know you understand. Empathise with them so that they feel understood. Maybe ask them an open question or two to explore their position more deeply.
When you’ve done all that, then you can explain your position. Your partner will be much more able to hear your perspective and empathise with you having been given that respect themselves.
These principles may sound simple or obvious when you read them, but they can be really tricky to stick to, particularly when you’re feeling hurt or angered by your partner. So, be patient with yourselves, keep practising, and feel free to get in touch or book a session with me if you’d like some help.