Low sexual desire
I’ve called this blog post Low sexual desire because that’s how people tend to think of the problem when they want sex less than others. However, it’s rarely as simple as that.
Do you want sex less than you used to? Have you never been that interested in sex? Do you maybe enjoy it once you have it, but still somehow never feel like initiating it? You are far from alone. It’s a really common problem, but of course it’s one that people don’t talk about much, so it’s easy to feel like the odd one out.
If you take three things from reading this, I hope they will be:
The fact you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you’re broken or that there’s something wrong with you.
There are valid reasons why you don’t want sex.
Tackling those reasons can be complex, scary and slow work, so please don’t beat yourself up for not having been able to sort it out yet.
Why do some people want sex less than others?
There are a hundred and one answers to this question. First of all, there’s a lot of natural variance - some people are just naturally more horny and some people less so.
Secondly, age and life stage significantly affect how much we want sex. Typically our libido declines with age, though that’s not true for all. Life events like having children and going through the menopause can change our levels of desire hugely. So we all have different levels of desire to start with and then those fluctuate a lot as we go through life.
Thirdly, stuff happens in our lives that interferes with our sexual desire. It’s so easy to get turned off sex. We tend to think of sexual desire as a powerful drive that should be there all the time; in fact it’s a fragile thing and there are all sorts of ways in which it can be switched off.
What switches off sexual desire?
The range of things that can reduce sexual desire is very wide. To give some examples:
Cultural and religious beliefs:
seeing sex as dirty or sinful
believing good girls are sexually passive
internalised homophobia
Past sexual experiences:
having been sexually abused
having felt objectified or used for sex
having been rejected after sex
Current relationship problems:
frequent arguments or ongoing resentment
a lack of non-sexual affection
not feeling physically attracted to your partner
believing your partner isn’t attracted to you
insufficient time spent connecting as a couple
feeling pressured into having sex
Health issues:
reduced libido as a side effect of medication
chronic pain conditions making sex uncomfortable
serious health worries making it hard to relax
Concerns around fertility or sexual health:
fear of pregnancy
pressure to conceive
fear of getting a sexually transmitted infection
Anxiety around sex:
being sexually inexperienced
worries around not being able to ‘perform’ sexually
fear that sex will be painful
Expecting sex to be unenjoyable:
partner doesn’t stimulate you in the way you want
inability to communicate what you need sexually
partner expects sexual acts you don’t enjoy
incompatibility in what time of day you want sex, where you like to have it, whether you have the lights on, etc
Stress:
inability to switch off from work
too worried about finances, health, family, etc to focus on sex
Parenting:
too sleep-deprived to want sex when you could be sleeping
fear of children walking in on you having sex
wanting your body to yourself after young children have been clinging to you all day
Body image:
not wanting to see yourself naked
expecting your partner to dislike your body
Differences of desire
It’s a long list, isn’t it? And that isn’t even half the reasons I’ve come across. When you think about all the reasons in that list, as well as all the natural differences that occur as our bodies change through life, it would be remarkable if two partners had consistently high libido throughout a relationship. Yet we put that expectation on ourselves!
If you’ve been judging yourself as broken because your desire has dropped, or thinking your partner must not love you any more because they’re not initiating sex as much, please be kinder to yourselves and consider all these other possible reasons.
It’s totally normal for your desire to be low at times, and it’s totally normal for your desire and your partners’ to be out of sync at times. And if both partners have low sexual desire and are okay with that, then there isn’t a problem. It’s absolutely fine to have little or no sex if that works for both partners.
This is an important point: low sexual desire isn’t a problem in itself. Problems arise where there’s a difference in levels of desire between two partners. It’s rare though for the partner with higher desire to be seen as problematic; the blame tends to be put on the partner with low desire.
The good news is that these factors that reduce sexual desire are largely changeable. Your sexual desire can increase and expectations can be adjusted. Differences of desire are a lot less painful when you both understand the reasons behind them.
How I work with differences of desire
Whether I’m working with an individual or a couple, the first stage is to listen and really understand all the factors that are impacting your sexual desire. And it’s not just about me listening and understanding - my job is to help you and your partner to understand what’s going on and to have compassion for yourselves.
We also look at the flip side: what would make you want sex more? Everyone has conditions for sex - things they need in order to want sex. Examples include:
feeling safe in the relationship
feeling desired by their partner
knowing in advance when sex is going to happen so they can get in the zone
sex being spontaneous
not feeling tired, stressed or ill
not having eaten or drunk too much.
Then we go back to basics. Through exercises that I give you to do at home, we start rebuilding your sex life in ways that work better for you. The exercises are aimed at enhancing intimacy (non-sexual as well as sexual), improving communication and learning about your bodies and sexual responses. The exercises go at your pace, and there’s no pressure to do anything you’re not ready to.
That point’s really important because nothing inhibits sexual desire like pressure. So we start with non-sexual intimacy and build things up from there gradually. In our weekly sessions, you tell me how the exercises went. If they’ve gone well, we move on to the next step. If there have been problems, those are further clues as to what interferes with your sexual desire, so we address those.
There is also time in the weekly sessions to talk about wider relationship issues, since a difference in sexual desire is rarely the only concern that clients want to address. Clients typically leave therapy with not only less difference in their levels of sexual desire and less tension around the issue, but also more connection, enhanced intimacy and a happier relationship.
If that sounds like something you want, please get in touch with any questions, or book an initial consultation.