‘Tis the season to be…

Lonely? Angry? Miserable? If that’s your experience of the Christmas break, you’re not alone.

January is probably the busiest time of year for therapists. We get bookings from people whose loneliness has really hit home over the festive period or who have been pushed to breaking point by spending Christmas with their families. Couples come to us in crisis after being around each other (and the kids, and the in-laws) 24-7, reeling from argument after argument.

There’s an expectation that the festive period will be a joyous time, but for many people it’s really difficult. Here are my suggestions for surviving the holiday period.

Expect a mixed bag

By all means get excited about opening presents, seeing loved ones and having time off work, but don’t expect the Christmas break to be all good. Spending a lot of time with noisy kids, disapproving in-laws or great aunts with whom you have nothing in common is hard work. Having people to stay is stressful, as is being a guest in someone else’s home. So expect lows as well as highs, so you’re less likely to crash when those low points come. Remind yourself that a mixed bag is normal.

Build in breaks

Think about which parts of the holidays are difficult for you and build breaks into your schedule accordingly. If being sociable is tiring for you, can you find a way to have some time on your own? If going for a walk or excusing yourself for a siesta feels antisocial, can you find a helpful excuse to be on your own, like taking the dog for a walk or doing the washing up?

Think too about your sleep. You’re more likely to get into arguments if you’re tired or hungover. Predict when that might be and make realistic plans for getting enough rest. Don’t pack something into every day. Give yourself some empty days and remember that days spent travelling aren’t empty - they’re tiring.

For some people, the festive period is painful because it contains too many empty days. If that’s you, then focus on building in breaks from being on your own. Try not to assume that other people will be too busy with their own plans to want to see you - they might be feeling lonely too, or they might be very happy to escape their family for a while! On days when you don’t have a friend or family member to see, try to build in some form of human contact. I don’t want to minimise how painful loneliness can be, and casual human contact won’t take that away completely, but things like having a massage, volunteering at a soup kitchen or exchanging “Happy New Year” greetings with a stranger in the street can all make it feel a little easier to bear.

Go lightly around others’ traditions

If you’re spending the holidays with someone else’s family, treat their traditions with respect. And by traditions I mean all sorts of things from how much they spend on presents and what they eat to who clears up after dinner and how much it’s okay to drink. 

Other families’ ways of doing things often seem arbitrary or ridiculous. Remember though that your family’s traditions would feel equally arbitrary and ridiculous to them. You probably wouldn’t find it easy to go against the way your family has always done things, so be understanding if you’re asking someone else to. 

If your partner doesn’t want to challenge their family by scaling down the presents or spending Christmas on a beach with you instead of with them, it doesn’t mean they love their family more than you. Try not to turn it into an us vs them issue; it’s just hard to say no to family.

Let go of perfection

I totally get how fun it can be to plan the most amazing party, find the perfect present or decorate a tree beautifully. Just bear in mind that what most people want from the holidays is a relaxing time and connections with loved ones. I’m sorry but they’re just not that fussed about your table decorations!

So by all means get creative and have fun, but when your special meal turns out less than perfect or you realise you’ve forgotten to buy crackers, remind yourself that those aren’t the important things. How you respond to those situations can make all the difference: if you get stressed about it, it’s more likely to dampen the mood, bring good humour and the chances are nobody will mind at all.

Remember you’re not alone

It’s easy to imagine that everyone else is out there having a wonderful time, giving and receiving the perfect gifts, looking lovingly into their partners’ eyes over yule logs while their children play happily at their feet. Try to remember that it’s just not true. It’s much more normal to feel lonely, irritated, bored or exhausted over the holidays. None of us live in the adverts. When it’s all getting too much, know that you’re not alone.

Look forward

The festive period can be intense and it can drag. Whether surrounded by family or on your own, remind yourself that things will get back to normal soon. 

Of course, getting back to normal might not be enough to lift you out of your difficult feelings. If that’s the case, take some time to think about how you’d like to change your situation. There may be practical steps you can take, or it might be that you need more emotional support or some help in figuring out what would how to improve things.

Starting therapy is a great way to make a commitment to your own wellbeing. Just getting in touch with a therapist or booking an initial consultation can bring some relief because it feels like you’ve taken the first step. 

I’d be happy to hear from you. Maybe together we can make your next festive period happier than past ones.