When coping mechanisms are no longer helpful
We all have coping mechanisms. They are a natural part of human psychology and they help us to function in the world. The important thing about coping mechanisms is to recognise when they are no longer helping you. If you suspect that one of your coping mechanisms may now be hindering you, read on.
What is a coping mechanism?
A coping mechanism is simply a behaviour that a person adopts to help them cope with a difficult situation. They can develop at any time in our lives. Many are established in childhood, but we continue to develop new ones throughout adulthood too.
Examples of coping mechanisms include:
a toddler whose parents are angry when she cries learning to keep her difficult feelings to herself and always smile
a boy whose classmates don’t include him in their games turning to books instead of socialising because he fears rejection
a teenager who struggles in class skipping school to avoid the shame of not being able to keep up
a woman with a stressful job stopping for a glass of wine on her way home to unwind rather than bring her stress home.
As these examples show, the coping mechanisms achieve their desired outcome: the toddler avoids her parents’ anger, the boy avoids rejection, the teenager avoids shame, the woman avoids interacting with her family while stressed.
Sometimes people blame themselves for having coping mechanisms. I encourage self-compassion because however detrimental coping mechanisms may be in the long run, they always made sense at the time.
How do coping mechanisms evolve?
Over time, coping mechanisms may evolve to become rigid and universal. This can happen for several reasons:
The external trigger for the coping mechanism may be internalised. For example, the toddler with angry parents thinks not My parents have short tempers but My tears are intolerable.
A belief changes from specific to generalised. For example, the boy who is bullied thinks not Those children bully me but Other people bully me.
The coping mechanism may snowball. For example, the teenager who skips class then falls further behind and gets in trouble, so they skip more and more school.
The coping mechanism may be relied on heavily, reducing the person’s ability to tolerate difficult feelings. For example, the woman who stops for a glass of wine on her way home may start to reach for the bottle of wine when things get stressful at home, rather than tolerating the stress as she previously did.
When do coping mechanisms become problematic?
In all the examples above, the person starts using the coping mechanism in situations where it isn’t needed. They are then not reacting in a healthy and proportionate way to the world around them.
To return to our examples:
When the toddler grows up, they may continue to hide the feelings they have come to see as intolerable to others, smiling rather than tackling problems in romantic relationships, at work and so on.
The boy who chooses books over playing with other children may never develop social confidence, and might find himself lonely as an adult.
The teenager who skips school may find their career prospects suffer as a result, and if they continue the pattern when they are working, they may lose their job.
The woman who turns to wine when she is stressed may become dependent on alcohol, which would likely bring more stress to her family home than her work ever would have done.
What can be done?
These are quite simple and dramatic examples and your coping mechanisms may be more subtle than this, but chances are you have some that are no longer helpful.
The first step to change them is to identify those coping mechanisms that no longer serve you. You may have already done this, or you may need a little help. Often our coping mechanisms are blind spots. They can be so automatic that they feel natural. The trained eye of a therapist can be really useful when you’re struggling to understand your coping mechanisms.
The next step is to appreciate how the coping mechanism developed and to have compassion for the younger you that needed it. It’s important to understand the root of the issue so that you don’t get caught up in blaming yourself. An unhelpful coping mechanism is not an enemy to be fought, but an old relationship that needs adapting.
The final step is to start adapting your coping mechanism. You are unlikely to be able to drop it completely straight away, so we will think together about the steps you can take to shift it gradually.
For example, if your coping mechanism is to hide your feelings, I will help you to talk about them in the safe space of the therapy room until you feel confident sharing them with others. Or if your coping mechanism is alcohol, we can explore what you get from drink and think about other ways to meet those needs so that you can gradually reduce your alcohol intake.
It will involve facing some fear and taking some risks, but at a manageable level. You will also likely have setbacks along the way, but that’s normal and I can support you through those. By trying out alternative behaviours, you will start to really believe that you can let go of the coping mechanism and live your life with more authenticity and less fear.
If you would like support with your coping mechanisms, I would be happy to hear from you. You can either book an initial consultation with me or get in touch if you have any questions.